


intelligent conversation

by Soulykins



Series: old dog, old tricks [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Diego took a much larger role than I was planning on, Five learns about podcasts, Gen, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, apocalypse didn't happen, how much does Five have to catch up on exactly?, talking to yourself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-15 21:26:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18081194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soulykins/pseuds/Soulykins
Summary: Diego, Allison, and Klaus are in the living room listening to Five talk aloud to seemingly no one in the next room.Diego is worried, Allison thinks it's cute, Klaus is somewhat confused(Five's isolation and growing up in the apocalypse left him with a lot of habits that might seem odd to his siblings, and he didn't lose them just because he's back now - it's not like the commission exactly had good mental health services)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> my second fic ever!! I'm going with the assumption that Allison never met Dolores the mannequin since i don't remember that happening BUT if it did just pretend this is an AU where she didn't
> 
> this was supposed to be about five but somehow he only gets one line, wild
> 
> BUT i'm hoping to turn this into a series where the fam realizes that Five isn't as well adjusted and okay as he seems (which is saying a lot since he doesn't seem well adjusted at all oops) and carries over a lot of habits from living in the apocalypse

The apocalypse was over, they’d stopped it. Allison was starting to be able to talk again, not a lot at a time and only softly but it was _something_. Vanya stuck to Allison’s side, having found an ally in the sister who would glare Luther down when he was making everything worse with his fumbling words and guilty looks.

Klaus was _sober_ and it was still an uphill journey but he was going to group therapy and could conjure Ben for the rest of them to see for longer and longer these days. Diego was teaching his brother how to drive (brothers? Presumably Ben tagged along even when they couldn’t see him) which was some valuable bonding time even if they still got on one another’s nerves.

It was in the face of all this normalcy that the whole family began to realize that Five was not as unaffected by things as he liked to appear.

It was a simple fact that Five would talk to himself. He would forget he’d returned Dolores to the store and just stroll or jump into a room already gesturing and talking, pausing for responses only he seemed to hear.

He’d also forget that his siblings had all seemed to have moved into the manor as well, not realizing they could be in a room until he turned and actually saw them. Always he would pause, something almost like surprise on his face before it would drop into a scowl and he would bark at them to quit eavesdropping or simply jump without addressing anything.

Diego was sitting with Allison and Klaus in the living room, not doing much of anything just sort of attempting to hang out in one another’s presences without killing one another. Allison was idly flipping through a novel, Klaus was playing a game on his new phone and muttered under his breath to a Ben who was clearly backseat playing. Diego himself was only paying attention to the crime report in his hands halfway, the other half focused on listening to Five in the next room talking to himself as he rifled through cabinets.

“Should we - do something about that?” Diego finally approached the topic gruffly.

Klaus peered over at him as Allison lowered her book. It was Klaus who gestured with a careless hand, almost losing his phone in the process, “Do something about what, bro?”

Diego waved a hand towards the door separating them from Five, “You know, he keeps talking to himself. That can’t be healthy.”

Allison smiled, raising a hand to her throat and getting the full attention of both of her brothers. She could speak, but only very softly as she was still healing. “I think it’s cute.”

Diego’s face twisted as he tried to reconcile the idea of _Five_ and _cute_. He’d seen Five drunk and clutching a mannequin, seen him hide the fact that he was literally bleeding out, seen him verbally flay someone alive for calling him a nice young man. Five was many things, but if they wanted to keep their faces intact then ‘cute’ was not a word that should ever be related to their youngest oldest sibling within his earshot.

But before he could point that out, Allison’s face had already gentled into something like wistfulness as she whispered - “Claire does the same thing.”

“Uh,” Klaus cleared his throat, words taking on a sing-song quality, “Maybe you should get her seen for that? Seems concerning since, you know, pretty sure she didn’t inherit _my_ ability.”

Diego nodded his head in quick agreement. Okay, he didn’t know a whole lot about kids but surely that was a cause for concern, right?

Allison rolled her eyes at them both, “Thank you, idiots. It’s completely normal. Lots of kids have imaginary friends.”

Another pause as Diego and Klaus tried to draw the line from Five to kid to _imaginary friend._ Dolores was a mannequin though, right? So not exactly imaginary - but then again Allison hadn’t seen the mannequin before it had vanished, right?

Then. Was the comparison more like a child talking to their stuffed animals? Diego’s head literally hurt picturing Five having a pretend tea party all of a sudden, the image was so jarring.

“I will literally pay you to say that to his face,” Klaus recovered first, staring at Allison with wide eyes.

“Absolutely not,” Diego growled, reaching over to slap his brother upside the head, “Do you want Allison to _actually_ die this time?”

Of course, that’s when Five decided to enter the room, inspecting one of several of the canned goods he was carrying, still talking, “ - well the caloric value could be better but the shelf life should make up for that. Plus you know, protein and everything.”

Klaus shuffled, making some noise that clearly alerted Five to their existence as the (not) child’s head snapped up and pinned them all under a hard stare for a second before Five blinked and his face went blank again.

“Uh, who ya talking to, bud?” Klaus, bless his heart, was the one to approach the topic.

Five bristled, scowling at them all, “ _Myself,_ as clearly it’s the only intelligent conversation I can get in this house.”

With that said, he jumped away cans and all before Diego could even ask about _that_.

Diego sighed deeply, “Well, that went well.”

God, he was going to actually have to talk to Five about this at some point, wasn’t he? Maybe he could get Vanya to do it. The little hellspawn seemed to have a soft spot for her. Allison was a mother and probably the one who forgot Five wasn’t actually his age the most, but Diego remembered that Five was actually fifty-eight in spirit. Maybe it was normal for kids to have imaginary friends or whatever, but it was decidedly abnormal for someone mentally an adult.

His head flopped back against the sofa as he sighed deeply. All of them were so messed up and barely functioning as adults in the first place, and now they actually had to address their issues and it was so much work. Sometimes he thought it would be easier to just give up.

But you didn’t give up on family, so Diego pried himself off the sofa to head upstairs. Hopefully the little hellion had just hopped to his room.

This was not a talk Diego was looking forward to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego goes upstairs to have that talk with Five
> 
> It goes better than expected

Diego approached Five’s room wondering why exactly he’d turned down Klaus’s last minute offer to go with him. But he didn’t want the kid to feel crowded or anything, or ganged up on, and if Luther got word of this talk taking place he’d probably want to conduct a ‘family meeting’ or whatever. 

He came to a stop outside of it, hearing Five’s voice still going behind the door.

“ - it’s not _my_ fault,” Five was hissing at presumably nothing. Something clangs inside, “Keep forgetting they’re there. Gotta get used to, you know, people popping up.” A pause, as if listening to an unheard reply, “I’m fully aware I’m not the only person in the world, yes, thank you. Not an idiot.”

Well that was absolutely heartbreaking. Diego forgot - they _all_ forgot about Five’s time in the apocalypse. It was just - his body was thirteen. He looked the same as when he’d left, Umbrella Academy uniform and all. Wrapping their heads around a whole history without them was surprisingly difficult, even with all the reminders that Five shot their way.

Before he could lose his nerve, Diego knocked on the door.

Five’s voice cut off abruptly and there was silence. Diego almost knocked again before an acerbic response came - “Fuck off.”

Can’t say he didn’t expect that.

But let it not be said that Diego Hargreeves was a quitter! Hoping that Five wouldn’t just jump away, Diego opened the door with a quick announcement of “Coming in” to herald his arrival.

Five was sitting in the center of his bed, knees pulled up to his chest, scowling darkly in Diego’s direction. But no violence against his person for entering at least. The cans from downstairs had vanished to somewhere, but that wasn’t what Diego was concerned about right now.

“What’s the point of knocking if you’re just going to come in anyway?” Five pointed out sharply as Diego cautiously approached, “Am I not permitted privacy even within my own room, now?”

“Five,” Diego sighed deeply before just sitting at the end of the bed. At least the kid didn’t shuffle away or jump, though the daggers in his eyes had Diego wishing he was anywhere else. “C’mon Five, you know we’re just worried about you.”

“I’m fifty-eight.” Five snapped, “I don’t _need_ your concern - ”

“You don’t have to need it!” Diego cut his brother off sharply, lifting a hand to rub at the bridge of his nose. A headache was already forming. “Have you ever thought that maybe we just missed you? You’re family, you don’t have to need our concern for us to give it to you.”

Silence from Five’s end.

Then, quietly, “I don’t like the quiet.”

Diego’s head snapped up to stare at his brother. Could it possibly be that easy? Five wasn’t looking at him. Instead, he was very intently studying the pattern on the bed spread as his fist clenched and unclenched in his shorts.

“Sometimes it’s too quiet and I just. Talk to fill it up. Is that so wrong?”

“No! No, Five. It’s not wrong.” Diego rushed to reassure his brother, his own hand fisting in his pants to prevent himself from reaching out. He knew Five didn’t appreciate being touched most of the time and he didn’t want to stop whatever breakthrough they’d had. “Just - maybe try something else? Here, hand me your phone.”

The seemingly random request had Five looking up suspiciously, but obligingly fished the phone that the family had made sure everyone had one of off of his nightstand and tossed it at Diego to catch.

Diego unlocked it a swipe - mentally frowning at how little was on the phone - before offering to show Five exactly what he was doing on the screen. 

“Look, there’s lots of things you can do on phones now.” When had Five left them? 2002? Wasn’t Youtube founded in 2005? God, Diego’s brother had missed so much and he forgot about it constantly. “You can bring up music and play it on Youtube or spotify or whatever or - or you could listen to podcasts? That seems up your alley.”

“What’s a podcast?” Five asked, leaning over with some actual curiosity in his voice. Apparently assassin training or whatever hadn’t exactly included a lot of general info, though if Five was being sent into the past to kill people or whatever it would make sense. No need to know about technology or ideas that hadn’t been invented yet.

Diego shrugged, “It’s like, people talking about different things on the internet. In a series. They can be educational and stuff, and you’re a nerd right?” 

That earned him a shove and an outraged huff from Five as Diego grinned.

They sat together as Diego explained how Five could search for things he liked or things that Five _might_ like or needed to catch up on. Five pretty quickly snatched his phone back out of Diego’s hands and Diego let him with a crooked smile.

An hour or so later, Five was looking at his phone with almost a smile as a voice enthused about the history of medicine.

“I’ll get you some headphones or something so you can listen to ‘em without us drowning it out,” Diego told him, standing up from the bed, “But you can play stuff, Five. You don’t have to drown out the silence alone anymore.”

Five studied the phone some more, not willing to make eye contact with his brother, “What if talking out loud helps me organize my thoughts?”

Diego considered that, before shrugging. “Five, you don’t just heal or whatever in a day. How about if you want someone to bounce your thoughts off, you hunt one of us down? I’m sure one of us is always in the mansion and willing to lend an ear.”

Five gave a small nod that just about damn near broke Diego’s heart.

Well, if Diego had to hunt down each of his siblings in turn and beat it into their heads that they weren’t allowed to brush Five off if the kid came to one of them then so be it. 

“Alright kid, I’ll be downstairs if you need me. And if you ever want to talk - you know where to find us.” Diego told Five softly as he backed up towards the door.

“Not a kid,” Came the token protest and glare that Diego was counting out.

He gave his brother a grin, “Could’a fooled me.”

Then he shut the door quickly before the pillow Five had thrown could make contact. He shook his head with smile. That talk had gone a lot better than he’d thought it would, what with Five usually being a snotty little brat at the best of times. Clearly he’d managed to catch him in a decent mood.

Though if Allison ever mentioned her imaginary friend theory to the boy in question, there could very well be blood shed.

But even Allison wasn’t stupid enough to do that, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i came to the realization that if Five was gone for 17 years from the siblings perspective and it's 2019 in canon, he would have gone missing in 2002
> 
> forget Five not knowing about vines he wouldn't know about YOUTUBE and I severely doubt the commission taught him like, anything considering they couldn't send him on any missions after the apocalypse and I doubt they would have sent Five to any timeline where his siblings existed since they wanted to keep him
> 
> and hell, the commission uses type writers and message tubes it's not like they seem like the kind of people to teach Five how to use a new touchscreen phone
> 
> wow he's such an old man, doesn't understand technology
> 
>  
> 
> BUT i do understand that Five's issues with talking to himself come from a deeper place than not wanting it to be quiet, but that IS a part of it that Five was willing to address. Some of it comes from an inability to let Dolores go, some of it just comes from habit, some comes from filling the silence, some comes from the fact that sometimes he genuinely forgets that there are other people he's able to talk to, and a lot more issues. But this is the reason Five is willing to acknowledge and give Diego to get his brother off his back


End file.
